It’s contract season. I HATE contract season. That being said, I do feel fortunate to have lots of experience doing the song and dance required to make it work. Honestly, while I was on my journey towards becoming pro, I was really good at finding partnerships, negotiating for myself, and making things happen. It was how I was able to fund my racing, my life, and my projects. Ten years down the road, and the past few years have sort of felt like starting over.

The thing about sponsorships is that when you’re on a world tour team, unless you are Demi Vollering, Tadej Pogacar, or the like, chances are there’s very little room for you to obtain and manage sponsors outside of the team. I was lucky that my biggest sponsors were one in the same. This meant I was able to hold on to some of my partners for dear life, which was clutch once I retired. Beyond that, it felt like starting over. The team manages most of your communications and deliverables and such. My team was particularly cagey when it came to media and content creation, so for the three years that I was there, I felt stifled on that side of things.

I felt like leading up to signing that big contract, I’d done a really good job documenting myself, and my journey towards being the first African American woman to get to that level. Then I actually did it, and immediately fell off. There was a bit of fanfare at the announcement. But after that, I had my head down and was putting in work on the bike. Less time for much of anything else. I stopped creating content as much, less instagram, basically none of these blog posts, less media interviews, slowly fading back into a relative obscurity. Not to mention, I wasn’t exactly getting big results, so that didn’t help me much. Then dealing with the fibroids, and consequential surgery for fibroids did a number on my self-esteem. To be honest, I think I poured every last drop of motivation I had into my comeback for the 2023 season, and I do mean every last bit of me.

Every day I would get on my bike, hit play on Beyonce’s Renaissance, and do my absolute best to internalize the idea that these mofos whoever they were, were neither stopping me, nor breaking my soul. It was so hard. SO SO hard. I remember the first time I tried to climb the backside of Els Angels. It’s not a particularly challenging climb, it’s not that long, and a little steep, but honestly not that bad at the end of the day. But that day? THAT DAY? I stopped on the side of the road and cried because I felt like actual trash. It was like my body had betrayed me all over again, and I could not see how I was going to get from that point, back to the races. But I did. I actually managed to become fitter than I was before the surgery. I worked so hard for that, only to end up with the worst anxiety I’d every experienced in my life. Another kick in the teeth. Were these mofos finna stop me? They were absolutely breaking my soul.

Who wants to make content during a time like that? All the posting I was actually doing was tinged with an obvious sadness. I wasn’t my joyful self, and it was affecting every part of my life. I was busting my ass, in the best shape of my life. Finally felt like I was making headway and getting back to myself, but the team was cancelling most of the races I was suited for and looking forward to and mostly sending me to the races I wasn’t, further breaking my spirit, little by little. My anxiety continued to rise. I was a disaster, a failure, a fraud, and really really REALLY sad.

Anyway, by the end of the 2023 season, I was having panic attacks daily. And that was when I decided to take a break. It was so heartbreaking because I LOVED racing my bike. I was really good at it, and getting better, until they cut through my abdominal wall and I never really healed from it. I still haven’t. At the Vuelta Burgos in 2023, I felt like I was finally finding my groove again. Stage racing was always where my heart was, and it was the most fun for me. If you ever take a look at my results, which honestly I’d rather you didn’t, but if you did, you’d see that my best races were stage races. I’d get better as the days went along. Anyway, after the final stage of the Vuelta Burgos in 2023, I thought I was BACK. I finished the whole world tour stage race, felt pretty good about it, and couldn’t wait to carry that momentum into the next thing. Unfortunately, while I was using the bathroom after the race… the bathroom in the camper, my abs seized up and I collapsed onto the toilet. I never told anyone, I was too embarrassed. Embarrassed that I was in fact still not healed the way I thought I was, and also that I’d sat on a toilet outside my house which I simply do not do. I’ve heard it’s bad for your pelvic health to squat instead of sit, I still can’t get past putting my bare behind on a publicly shared toilet seat.

Anywho, all of that and more is why I stopped. I wasn’t ready to quit yet, but it was clear I needed more time.

What’s hilarious is this isn’t what I wanted to blog about today, but here we are. And as much as I know some folks will rip me apart for being vulnerable to admit I felt like a pathetic failure, I always find that these admissions are super helpful for other people who don’t feel seen. How did I even get on this ADHD tangent? Ah, yes, contract season.

Proving yourself is a really tall order when you don’t believe in yourself in the moment. People usually only believe in you as much as you believe in yourself, so if you don’t value yourself during contract season, the vultures will eat you alive. I bet the same goes for any other job to be honest.

The good news? I’ve found my way again. I’ve healed mentally in so many ways in the past two years, and I’m really proud of all the work that I put in to do so. Somehow, that wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, but it’s definitely really high up on the list. I’m so excited about the conversations I’ve been having this contract season. And I have been actually impressing myself with how much I’ve been lighting up while talking about all the things I want to do next year. I haven’t felt this joyful and capable in quite some time, and I’m really happy to be happy again.

Unfortunately, for so many riders in the pro peloton, they’re not going to find contracts to ride next season. Teams are folding, teams are merging, and space is super limited. I don’t know what the number for women’s teams, but I read somewhere that there are over 70 men floating around at the moment looking for a place to land. The women’s side of things looks equally as bleak as far as teams folding, but the most exciting news to come out in the past few days is the announcement of the first ever African UCI Contintental team for women! Team Amani is going for it, and I REALLY hope it goes well. Creating these opportunities are expensive and a LOT of work. And going from the local level of racing to the European circuit is challenging for most folks from other continents, not just Africa. Team Amani has been putting at it since 2020, and I believe they have a men’s conti team as well. From the outside, they seem pretty well resourced, so I’m optimistic about this project and will be cheering for them to reach their goal of getting into the Tour de France Femmes avec Zwift by 2028!

I’ve yapped enough for today, but maybe someday soon I’ll share my thoughts on the spirit of gravel and the IOC’s recent trendsetting.

Ah right! That reminds me, I have MERCH again! Check it out!

A Quick Brown Fox Merch